What I Really Believe

This morning I had this thought about how often I question if I am doing the right thing.  I thought, what if my whole life was riding on selecting the correct answer from the following options, how would I answer?

a) the things that have led me to become estranged (and stay estranged) from my family are valid concerns to want to protect my daughter from  

or

b)  I shouldn't be doing this to protect my daughter (and my husband and I) from the dysfunction of my family of origin - the reasons for it just are not enough to warrant this result.

What would I choose.  If everything was riding on it?  

I realized this morning that I would choose 'a'.  If I had to risk everything on the belief that I was doing the right thing, I would.  

I can't truly believe that I am supposed to allow it to continue and risk passing all of that anger and dysfunction on to the next generation.  I can't risk exposing my daughter to the fights, the manipulations, the lies, the hurt, the anger, etc.  I can't risk putting myself in a position that I have historically never been able to successfully keep from getting caught up in all of the anger and dysfunction.  I am her mother.  I am her protector.  I owe her the best I can do.  And as excruciating as this is, this is the only way to guarantee she won't see my mom in her low places telling her she would be better off without her, she won't be shamed for always loving someone else more, she won't feel responsible for whether my mom lives or dies, she won't feel guilty for letting my mom down when she doesn't do what my mom wanted.  She won't do what my mom wants out of fear of letting her down, out of fear of being responsible for her unhappiness.  She won't have people taken away from her when my mom's disordered behaviours cause people to take their distance from her time and time again.  She won't have to realize that she is just not as important as my mom to her grandpa and great aunt.  She will never feel the heartbreak of learning that she has disappointed her grandma.  She will never feel the shame of being told that she embarrassed her grandma.  She won't feel the effects of my mom doing all of the above to me and leaving me in a weakened position to parent from.

She will get to grow up free to be exactly who she is, without worrying that she will let her grandma down.  She will grow up without the weight of adult issues.  She will grow up in a household where holidays do not bring nasty phone calls, cards, emails or otherwise that take the wind out of her own mom's sails.  She will grow up without expectations of who she should be.  She will be loved if she is different.  The love she receives won't have a private dark side.

If my life was riding on it, I would bet my life that I am not supposed to expose her to a relationship that I know will continue to cause damage in our lives, will continue to take my best away so I have less to give her and will continue to perpetuate emotional manipulation of us and those around us.    There has been so much pressure on me to accept these things in my mom and I will not ever put pressure on her to be dutiful to a love that hurts so much.