I want to be okay. I want to be strong and calm. I want to sleep through the night. Some days I am all of these things, and then I start to believe that I am through it. I start to feel proud that I made it through. I start saying it out loud. I am okay. I sleep every night again.
And then it changes. Something throws me and I am back there. The day my 6 months of no contact ended, I was back there. Couldn't sleep through the night. Then I saw my dad, out of nowhere while picking up my car from the shop. It was so painful and so nice to see him. He was happy to see me, and that gave me some peace. It made me wish so hard that it could be different. I told myself I was okay, but I wasn't.
So, maybe there is some kind of in between. Where you are okay and then you are not, but when the pendulum finally rests, you will be okay. I really want to be okay. I want the anxious times to continue to become less frequent and last less time. The anxiety is intense when it is there. I don't remember feeling this way when I was younger. There were times where I felt some anxiety. I had one particularly rough patch, but it was about a thing and when I had worked through it, it was gone. I kept on top of it back them, maybe. I made a decision every day to not worry about all of the things I could not control. And then I followed through and didn't worry. I didn't want to be my mom. I wanted to break away and be the opposite. I wanted to live and love and feel free. And I did, all of those things. I want to go back there.
It is not just the stuff with my mom that is the problem. I need to simplify my life. Selling the cottage is one major step toward a more simple life. I feel so good to sell it. Now we just need it to sell. I suppose patience is in order there, the hard part is done really in coming to terms with the decision. Now it's just a transaction.
What else can I do to live a more peaceful and simple life? Move away from sales. Make sure the company gets stronger and provides a more consistent and higher income. It has to be a priority to get on solid footing at work.
So, I have work to do. I want to walk towards the life I want every day. I want to embrace the life I have along the way and be patient with myself while I work on untangling such a busy, often overwhelming life.
