Sometimes people let you down and then you realize that they were never put in your day for you. They put you there for them. And then you feel sick about it for a bit. And then you move on.
So, bla bla bla bla. Moving on.
Thursday 13 October 2016
Friday 7 October 2016
One Step Closer
The conversation my husband had with my dad, threatening to involve the police did not work. My dad was back at my door within a week and a half. I asked him to stop coming again, he said no. He said they wanted to give us an anniversary card. My mom has made no bones about upsetting me and ruining many special days in my life. That has been acceptable to her. But not giving a card is somehow across the line.
It went the same as always. I told him that I had just had a massage, was having a good day, and now he put me into a tailspin. I had thought I would get a break from the visits and there he was.
I didn't sleep that night. In the morning, facing the task of painting the exterior of our house, going out for dinner for our anniversary and then hosting our daughter's birthday party the following day, all without sleep made me feel angry, panicked and trapped. I wasn't okay.
I was crying and couldn't stop. I told my husband I needed to leave the house so that our daughter wouldn't see me. I drove and cried and yelled and cried some more. I went and got a coffee. I sat in my car and wrote. I felt myself shift back to feeling okay again. I realized again that writing was a big part of how I made it. Leaving was a big part. I sat with my coffee and climbed back into my early adulthood, when I could leave and let it all go. Into fields, into water, into the sky, wherever. I realized that it wasn't easy back then, it hurt just as much. I just was able to deal with it. I had the space.
Since then, I have been feeling a need to find some kind of peace before we leave. I am beginning to find more peace with moving. I am grasping less at wanting my dad to understand or show me any sincere love. I still struggle about my mom, I seem to go back and forth between sad and angry. I know I shouldn't be angry, I know that she can't help it. But I am angry. Why can't she give in to the help she is getting and stop pretending things are one way when they are another.
The one person that I can't seem to reconcile is my aunt. I have been feeling so upset about my dad saying that we are 'snubbing' them, when we would love nothing more than to have them in our lives, without them fighting mom's battle. Upset that my aunt asked if it's because my mom is 'negative' when I have shared enough with her to know that she has abused me for decades, that she has manipulated me with guilt and shame, that she has isolated me away from her, etc. I was upset that she told me that she just lets it roll off, and wanted to know why I couldn't do the same. I needed to tell her that being obedient isn't the same as letting it roll off. And that conversation would go on and on in my head. How unfair this was. How if she could let it roll off, she would be in our lives, letting the consequences roll off.
So I called. I said what I needed to say. She said what I needed to hear. That she loves me. That she misses us. That she isn't disappointed in me at all. It was sad because she confirmed that she can't be in our lives, they would know and it would be too hard. But she accepts that we are doing what we have to. She said that if she were in my position, as hard as it would be, she would probably do the same. She said I deserve a happy life. She told me I can call her again if I need to talk. I told her that we would not share our address with my parents if we move and she understood. I have been so worried that she thinks I am a monster for this. Having her blessing to move feels so good.
I miss her so much.
It went the same as always. I told him that I had just had a massage, was having a good day, and now he put me into a tailspin. I had thought I would get a break from the visits and there he was.
I didn't sleep that night. In the morning, facing the task of painting the exterior of our house, going out for dinner for our anniversary and then hosting our daughter's birthday party the following day, all without sleep made me feel angry, panicked and trapped. I wasn't okay.
I was crying and couldn't stop. I told my husband I needed to leave the house so that our daughter wouldn't see me. I drove and cried and yelled and cried some more. I went and got a coffee. I sat in my car and wrote. I felt myself shift back to feeling okay again. I realized again that writing was a big part of how I made it. Leaving was a big part. I sat with my coffee and climbed back into my early adulthood, when I could leave and let it all go. Into fields, into water, into the sky, wherever. I realized that it wasn't easy back then, it hurt just as much. I just was able to deal with it. I had the space.
Since then, I have been feeling a need to find some kind of peace before we leave. I am beginning to find more peace with moving. I am grasping less at wanting my dad to understand or show me any sincere love. I still struggle about my mom, I seem to go back and forth between sad and angry. I know I shouldn't be angry, I know that she can't help it. But I am angry. Why can't she give in to the help she is getting and stop pretending things are one way when they are another.
The one person that I can't seem to reconcile is my aunt. I have been feeling so upset about my dad saying that we are 'snubbing' them, when we would love nothing more than to have them in our lives, without them fighting mom's battle. Upset that my aunt asked if it's because my mom is 'negative' when I have shared enough with her to know that she has abused me for decades, that she has manipulated me with guilt and shame, that she has isolated me away from her, etc. I was upset that she told me that she just lets it roll off, and wanted to know why I couldn't do the same. I needed to tell her that being obedient isn't the same as letting it roll off. And that conversation would go on and on in my head. How unfair this was. How if she could let it roll off, she would be in our lives, letting the consequences roll off.
So I called. I said what I needed to say. She said what I needed to hear. That she loves me. That she misses us. That she isn't disappointed in me at all. It was sad because she confirmed that she can't be in our lives, they would know and it would be too hard. But she accepts that we are doing what we have to. She said that if she were in my position, as hard as it would be, she would probably do the same. She said I deserve a happy life. She told me I can call her again if I need to talk. I told her that we would not share our address with my parents if we move and she understood. I have been so worried that she thinks I am a monster for this. Having her blessing to move feels so good.
I miss her so much.
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