Only I can set me free..

I know that I hold the key.  It is not up to my mom to set me free.  It is not up to my aunt or my dad.  My friends and husband try, but I have to find it inside of myself.  I will admit that it helps that my friends and husband see something that I don't always see.  They see a black and whiteness to it that I only see intermittently.

Those days when it is clear, feel like freedom.  They feel like sunshine through a window.  I can tell on those days that I hold the key.  I have a degree of peace knowing that it is there, but also some fear about whether I will keep dropping it over and over.  How long before I know how to hold on to it.  How long before I will set myself free?

When it is not clear, I think of her eyes.  I think of how much she must be hurting.  I think of how much she has been hurt to be the way she is now.  And I think about how she doesn't understand how I could do this and how much I have broken my own mother's heart.  Inside of those moments, those days, she has me.  I am back in the guilt of it all.  I am feeling responsible for her.  I am questioning if I just didn't handle things better and failed her.

And maybe that is okay that she has me at those times.  It probably can't be any other way if you are to grieve and heal properly.  If I were to be able to walk away without looking back, I think I would be headed for trouble.  If I were to be able to instantly know how to not feel things that I have felt for so many years, I would hold the great secret to life.

And so I need to surrender.  This year is coming to it's close soon and I will enter the new year with that word in my heart.  Surrender.  To the grief.  To the sadness.  To her eyes.  To my pain.  Eventually and intermittently on my way, I will surrender to those beautiful moments of sweet relief and happiness.

This World Was Made for Dreaming

The last few mornings I have been getting up before my daughter, pouring my coffee and sitting to enjoy the peace of early morning with the dog's head resting on my leg.  I have been listening on repeat to my favourite song these days.  It's called Morning Sun.  A few lines from it:  Honey, child, let me tell you now child.  That morning sun is here to greet us with a loving light so warm.  That morning sun is here to meet us.  Waiting on the waking up of everyone.  Let me tell you child, let me tell you honey child.  That morning sun has come to greet you.  She's peeking round the corner just waiting just to meet you.  Shining down on all your troubles.  Let me tell you child, let me tell you honey, child.  This world was made for dreaming.  This world was made for you.  This world made for believing in all the things you're gonna do.  Let me tell you, Child.

What I want most as a mother is to never forget that this world was made for dreaming.  That a child should wake up to this feeling and that it is my job to sing this right into her heart. 

These days, my life is splitting away.  Away from the comfort of what I know.  Even with all of the trouble, even with all of the pain, my mother was still comfort.  She is my mother.  I can't think of many more powerful words than 'mother'.  I am grieving for the loss of that comfort.  Grieving her losses as well.  It brings with it so many things that are so uncomfortable and feel so raw.  I want it back so badly.  

But then I sit in the morning and feel the peace of that morning sun coming up.  I feel the space around me, the space a friend described to me recently as a new thing she is seeing.  Despite all I am feeling, she sees a light in me.  She told me that it's like I'm dope sick.  That I'm feeling awful, but getting clean.  I now understand why people go back to things that are not good for them.  The good things have them believing so deeply in their heart that the bad parts are worth it, all for just a taste of the good.  

And so, that song just keeps playing and each morning I let myself hear it sung to me.  To the child I was.  I give that child a chance to just hear it and know.  That morning sun was for me too.  This world was made for dreaming, this world was made for me too.  

And then my daughter wakes, and in my heart, I have even more room to sing it to her.  And I know that she feels the sunshine of my love for her.  And I know that I can't go back.  No matter how badly I want those mornings with my own mother, all those ones that were good.  

Tiny Jolts

The reality of it hits me intensely some days.  It feels like blades in my stomach.  My heart seems to stop for slight moments, tiny jolts. The last few days have been hard..  I don't feel that the decision is wrong, it just feels awful.  The guilt and empathy for what my mom is going through is rivalling the relief of being safe from her contact.  All of that, and I still feel angry to top it all off, ugh.  What a mess of emotions.  I feel angry that even though she abused me, even though she isolated people away from me, even though she has shamed me my whole life whenever it pleased her, and even though it all had lasting effects on me that I am still now trying to sort through, I still feel like I am the one doing wrong by closing the door to any more of it.

I wish so much that she could stop being a destructive force in my life or that I could grow the ability to let it all roll off.  I have wished for the ability to let it roll off for so many years. Sometimes I succeed.  The problem is, I can let it roll off at first, and then it doesn't let up and eventually I just can't anymore.  If she doesn't get what she wants, she takes it up notch by notch until she has engaged a reaction and then continues even still until that reaction turns into awful fights between us.  She just can't let go of whatever she wants from me.  Not if I reason, beg, negotiate - nothing works.  It has gotten so twisted and sick sometimes, I just need it to stop. Not for a few months.  Not even for a year.  I think I need years before I could handle it with a thicker skin.  I need to begin healing and not keep ripping a scab off just as it begins to form..

I have begun to realize that all of the years that I wished for the ability to let it roll off was not the best wish.  It wasn't a co-worker who didn't like my outfit or a rude salesperson who was upsetting me.  It was a parent who abused their power.  A parent who bullied me and made me feel like I was not enough.  Who tried to shame me into being what she wanted.  An abusive cycle that continued into my adult years, the guilt, shame and punishment she bestows until we end up in total destruction.  I don't want to be someone who can let that kind of abuse be okay in my life.

The other side of her is beautiful.  A caring, wonderful woman who would do anything for anyone.  A proud mother who celebrates the things she loves about her kids.  It's why I never thought I was allowed to close the door on her, even though the abusive side of her didn't ever stop resurfacing long.  She is a good person.  She doesn't mean to be this way.  I have come to realize that someone who is abusive is not a bad person.  Nobody means to be an abuser.  They are people who have been deeply wounded themselves who are doing the best they can.  She always has said this to me.  I did the best I could.  I believe that.

Her best is still too hard to bear, at least for me.. which is heartbreaking.  For me and for her.  At this point I truly don't believe I can keep my mom in my life and protect my daughter from the dysfunction of that relationship.  I do hope that one day I can have my mom in my life and my family's life.  If one day, distance could create the boundary she seems capable of with with other people.  I want that so badly.

I understand why people worry that if they ever came forward about a family member abusing them, people won't believe them.  I feel exactly that way.  People see the caring wonderful person that they are and can't accept that there are other behaviour patterns that exist that they aren't seeing.  Maybe they know there are issues, but they think it’s limited to her depression.  They don't see the darkest side.  That side is a secret that is well guarded.  I'm so painfully aware of that and have always operated under the pressure of that secret.  I once tried to share some of it with a family member.  They no longer spend time around me.  They felt that they were betraying her or upsetting her by having a relationship with me independent of my mom.  The stuff I shared didn't result in support from them, it feels almost like it just made them feel uncomfortable to hear it and they don't want to be disloyal by supporting me.  It hurts that the only person in the extended family I have ever opened up to didn't stand by me.

A friend recently pointed out to me that for years I have told her that "when things are good, she's amazing".  She said I have talked like a battered wife for years.  I truly understand why abusive relationships go on for so many years.  The good times make you feel like you owe it to them to stick it out.  In cases where the pressure to keep them happy is enough, you feel like if you were to leave, they might kill themselves.  You don't think they will let you leave without more destruction than staying causes.  You know they struggle with mental health issues and that makes you feel insensitive to not be willing to just accept the abuse.  You know that some of the people you care about the most don't believe you have the right to leave.  That one is so hard for me.

I need to focus on what I do have.  I have such a strong little support network of people who do not accept my mom's behaviour as acceptable just because she is my mom.  People who are rallying around me to support me and encourage me that what I am doing is not wrong or crazy.  I am so grateful for this.  I am also grateful to have found a wonderful source of support and validation through an amazing woman's YouTube channel dealing with similar issues.  I don't think I could have handled this decision at all if it were not for hearing her experiences, warmth and complete understanding about the struggles of having a mother with issues like my moms and the difficult decision to not be in her life.  Hearing her story was the first time I ever realized that I am not the only one, and that I can hopefully find peace.    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmgr8VRf_N60ohSmSByL40A.