I haven't written in so long. I want to be okay. I don't like writing when I don't feel like I am getting somewhere. I should have written in the last few days. They have been so good. I have felt something like peace.
Today is Easter Sunday. When my daughter woke up, I went into our room (she always comes into our bed at some point in the night) and told her the easter bunny had come. Her face lit up. She was wearing a black t-shirt with a gold sparkly heart where her heart is. Her hair was in a messy ponytail with the cutest little short bangs. The dim light in the room made her sweet little face glow. I keep falling more and more in love with her. She asked if we could go see what the Easter Bunny left and I agreed. We raced out to the living room and she found her presents and went on the hunt for eggs. My husband and I had prepared sticky buns and mimosas. It's our Christmas morning tradition and we decided to make it a new Easter tradition too. We enjoyed a beautiful, relaxing, happy morning as a family. I relished in a new tradition. I loved the peace we had found.
And then I called my dad back. He said him and my aunt wanted to come by with Easter stuff. I was happy my aunt was coming and looked forward to the visit. When they arrived, my aunt looked at me as though she had a gun to her head and said "your mom is in the car. I know you probably don't want to invite her in". My stomach dropped. I felt all the wind knocked out of me. I just said, no.
They stayed for about 25 minutes. I progressively felt more and more sick. I couldn't believe that my mother was outside in the car. Her view was our living room window. Floor to ceiling windows. A silent picture show, uninvited. I thought about her tears. I tried not to look for her silhouette in the car. I felt like it was surreal. A bad dream. This wasn't my life. My mom sitting outside in a car, surely crying, watching my dad, aunt, daughter, husband and I play and laugh and visit while I, the wicked daughter, refused to invite her in.
And that thing that was something like peace went somewhere else.
