Holding Steady

Re-newing my decision to keep the estrangement in tact has relieved so much anxiety.  I know it will creep back in as the meeting with them approaches, but having come to terms with the option of remaining estranged does feel like a relief.  I think I was feeling like I had to re-open the door.  Because I can't bear to go back to being stalked and pressured and because I know Ivy misses them.  But the potential pain and problems arising from that contact terrified me.  I love the peace of our household so much.  It means everything to me.

Quiet, relaxed and happy weekend mornings are still something I cherish.  There were so many destructive, angry mornings on the weekends growing up.  Loud and jarring mornings that led into quiet and dark days.  I still feel like all that was just yesterday.  It never feels very far away.  More than anything else, those mornings stayed with me.  That is why our quiet, happy mornings mean the world to me.  Before the estrangement and for much of the time that the stalking was happening, our mornings weren't happy.  They weren't the chaos of my childhood home, but they were sad and there was an underlying darkness and anger to them.  I tried so hard not to show any of those emotions in front of Ivy, but she knew.  She used to draw our family with sad faces.  Now she draws us happy.  She draws us pretty much every day at daycare, and every day we are happy.  I cannot take that away from her.  As a daughter myself, if I could have made one wish for my mom growing up (and even now), it would have been that she be happy.  I can never have a happy mother, but I can give that gift to my daughter.  I can recognize the things that are destructive for me, and stay away from them.  I can be the provider of happy mornings.  I can be the provider of a stable, consistent home.  I can love her without putting pressure on her to be responsible for my happiness.  I can be a role model for embracing life and living to the fullest.  That is what I want to be as a mother.  Strong, happy and supportive.  I can't be those things if I stay in an abusive relationship.  I have to keep reminding myself, so that I don't get tempted back in.  It would not be any different this time.  It would be exactly how it always has been.  Good spliced with gut-wrenching, awful times that change my whole life for weeks at a time and leave me each time, a little less okay.

Back to the Drawing Board

As my window of contact free time gets smaller, the stress is coming back.  Last week, my friend (and bookkeeper) called and said that my dad had emailed her about the books on our shared property.  At the mention of him, my body went into fight or flight.  Instantly.  It was like someone injected something into my veins that ran instantly throughout my body.  Then she called again yesterday and told me that her staff had been talking with my mom and my mom told them that I don't talk to her anymore and hung up on them.  It put me right back into the headspace I was in last year.  Feeling trapped.  Knowing that she's not well.  Knowing it is all about to start again. 

It took me by storm yesterday.  Any hopes of re-building a relationship with good boundaries went out the window.  I began bracing myself for the stalking, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the pressure and the pain of it all again.  And I know I can't do it again.  I can't go through any more.  

Today I realized, it's done.  I can't have them back in my life.  She doesn't understand that it is inappropriate to dump details of our situation on people I have a business relationship with.  It's not appropriate to hang up on them, creating drama even without having direct contact with me.  I knew that even if I could discuss that with her, she would not acknowledge that it happened.  I can't do one more conversation like that.  Trying to fight for reality, never mind for what about that reality is destructive.

Moving has become much more appealing again.  I would be happy to move to a different home here, even if it doesn't solve the issue of worrying about running into her at the grocery store.  It would provide peace in our home and eliminate the stalking.  Moving further would be even better, but maybe harder in other ways.  Worth consideration though.  

I called an agent who may have clients looking for a lot like ours.  I put it out there.  I am asking for it to happen, if it is meant to.  

So, that is where I will leave it for now.