Only I can set me free..

I know that I hold the key.  It is not up to my mom to set me free.  It is not up to my aunt or my dad.  My friends and husband try, but I have to find it inside of myself.  I will admit that it helps that my friends and husband see something that I don't always see.  They see a black and whiteness to it that I only see intermittently.

Those days when it is clear, feel like freedom.  They feel like sunshine through a window.  I can tell on those days that I hold the key.  I have a degree of peace knowing that it is there, but also some fear about whether I will keep dropping it over and over.  How long before I know how to hold on to it.  How long before I will set myself free?

When it is not clear, I think of her eyes.  I think of how much she must be hurting.  I think of how much she has been hurt to be the way she is now.  And I think about how she doesn't understand how I could do this and how much I have broken my own mother's heart.  Inside of those moments, those days, she has me.  I am back in the guilt of it all.  I am feeling responsible for her.  I am questioning if I just didn't handle things better and failed her.

And maybe that is okay that she has me at those times.  It probably can't be any other way if you are to grieve and heal properly.  If I were to be able to walk away without looking back, I think I would be headed for trouble.  If I were to be able to instantly know how to not feel things that I have felt for so many years, I would hold the great secret to life.

And so I need to surrender.  This year is coming to it's close soon and I will enter the new year with that word in my heart.  Surrender.  To the grief.  To the sadness.  To her eyes.  To my pain.  Eventually and intermittently on my way, I will surrender to those beautiful moments of sweet relief and happiness.