Here is to Peace

It is strange to enter a new year in the midst of such a difficult transition.  I am used to the new year being a time for that feeling of a clean slate.  I am trying to feel that, but I have to admit it is muddied by the situation with my mom.  I know there is more to come.  I dreamt of her last night.  I dream of her relatively often these days and it is always the same.  I am leaving and she is doing all she can to make me feel as low as she can in hopes that maybe she can break me into staying.  It's the only way she knows.

In the spirit of the new year, I will say that the past few days I have been feeling a slight improvement in my ability to see that it had to end.  Not one of those days that my mind gives me a break and I feel relieved and free for a bit.  Just a slight lessening in the things I struggle with about it.  The slightness about it makes me feel like it is the kind of change that stays.  I tend to torture myself a bit, questioning if I am just too sensitive. If it really was my fault, if I brought it on myself by not just going along with her.  By not just giving in a little more often.  'Other people are able to have her in their life without this happening, maybe it is me' kinds of thoughts..  And it is true, I fought her more.  I didn't do what she wanted.  I stood my ground while others gave in.  But I know in my heart that I had to fight for myself.  No one else was and I don't know who I would be if I had tried to be who she wanted.  It is this kind of thinking that has lessened, just a bit.  I am grateful.

So as I enter a new year, I want to try to be kind to myself.  Gentle on myself.  I can tell even in typing that that there is a part of me that doesn't believe I deserve that because of what my mom is going through and how I feel responsible.  So, I will work on it.  I will try to take into my heart what those who are closest to me tell me - I am not doing this to her.  She has created her life and I am not responsible for her happiness or sadness.  It's a tough one but I am going to try to get there.

So, here is to quiet. Here is to kindness.  Here is to forgiveness.  Here is to peace..

Happy New Year :)