Sometimes I can't tell if it's getting better.  It doesn't feel like it is.  I have had a few good days where it has felt better in the last couple of weeks, but then it comes back and I can't tell if it comes back just as painful or if it subsides even slightly.  My hope is that it is getting easier, it's just such a slow process that I can't tell the difference from one day to the next.  So, I thought I should start keeping a record of what this feels like to hopefully encourage myself over time that it is in fact getting easier.

When I first went no-contact, it felt like relief.  I knew she couldn't get to me and I felt happy, relieved and light.  That lasted about 4-5 days.  Then it felt very heavy.  I kept having moments of panic over the reality of it.  I struggled with worries about how my aunt might feel.  I felt guilt.  A lot of it.  I felt angry in some moments.  I had significant trouble sleeping.  My energy levels were very low, I ordered in or we ate out, a lot.  I couldn't keep on top of housework.  I think I was depressed.

Positive changes have happened too.  Almost immediately, certain anxieties diminished, significantly.  Nothing mom-related, so I was surprised.  That has maintained so far and feels great.  Also, our household is very peaceful.  Even though I feel very sad about what is going on and am internally going through a very difficult time with it, I am able to put it away around my daughter.  It is also such a drastic difference from the worst part of the cycle my mom and I went through.  So while I don't have the worry free times where things are just easy for a bit, I also don't have these spikes in the chaos of that relationship.  It is steady.

Where I am at now - much of the first paragraph is still true but in writing this, I can see that there are more changed than I thought.  I am sleeping better, but not great (though I have had short stretches where I slept great, following good counselling sessions).  I don't feel as angry.  I still struggle with what my aunt might think or feel about this, but that worry has diminished and I definitely have moments where I can tell I will be able to accept that consequence one day.  I know that I will need to ask her for her understanding before I can truly move on, but if I ask and she can't or won't, I think I can now accept it.  I am gaining my first glimmers of truly understanding that my mom has been ill since long before I was even in the picture and that there was never anything I could do to avoid it.  It truly was not my fault.  This one I think will take years to truly take in, but the first winds of actually feeling it rather than just intellectually knowing it feels like a relief.  In writing this and really thinking back, the heaviness I felt has diminished somewhat.  It's easy to feel like it hasn't because it is still there so much, but it is less.  I am thankful for that.  Our house remains peaceful, I am most thankful for that.  This past week, I have finally felt able to cook dinner and clean the house.  It amazes me to have the energy for that stuff.  It was so easy to chalk it up to just being tired because my days have been so busy and Chris has been on the road so much, but when the heaviness lightened just a bit, the energy that was going to carrying that weight is freed up.  I was starting to wonder how I ever did those things (make dinner, keep a clean house, etc).  I hope that my energy levels don't drop away like that again.  All of this feels like it has been coming in such waves.  Waves of feeling ok, waves of feeling awful.  It reminds me of when you're feeling really sick and then you get a little wave of feeling ok and you know that it's the beginning of your body winning the fight.  My hope is that the waves of good will get longer and longer and the waves of heaviness will get shorter and shorter.

The one thing that I don't think has budged much is the guilt and shame about how my mom must be feeling.  I feel awful.  I am always only one thought away from that feeling of electricity through my heart and body, panicking about what I am doing to her (where anxiety has dimished in other areas, the anxiety I feel over this makes up for it).  My counsellor keeps telling me I'm not doing anything to her, that I am not responsible for her happiness, etc.  That is not sinking in.  I really need to find my way through this part.  I know that my mom isn't able to see it.  She isn't able to ever truly understand.  Her reality is that I have betrayed her and absolutely shattered her.  I grew up believing I was responsible for her, it is not an easy task to shake that belief.  I worry sometimes that you can't shake something that forms a part of your identity.  I think taking care of her may be a part of my identity.  I hope I am wrong about that.  And if not, I need to learn how to change things that grew one way when they are already solidified that way.   The one thing that gives me hope in this area is how much I split away from her at a young age and how willing I have always been to fight for what is most important to me.  I have broken her heart many many times, according to her.  This is just the first time I think I actually feel responsible.  This is the first time I can't seem to write it off as not my responsibility to make her happy in whatever way I was letting her down.  I guess that is where I start.  I need to understand that it is not my responsibility to give her my daughter, despite any dysfunction, despite any abuse.  I need to feel what I intellectually know.  Abusing me was abusing my daughter and the signs of inappropriateness with my daughter were written clearly on the wall.  I need to somehow forgive myself for letting her get attached to my daughter and then taking her away.  I did feel responsible to provide her with the experience of being a grandmother.  Every time  I think that I shouldn't have ever let her be in my daughter's life, I know I could never find peace without seeing what happened happen.  I would have wondered if she would have been the way she is with other kids she is close to.  It had to happen this way.  Or at least, it did happen this way.  So now, I just want to ask for the way out of all the guilt and shame of making this decision.