Day One

Day one.  I am three months in and today feels like day one.  Day one of not punishing myself.  Day one of taking better care of myself.  Day one of loving myself more.

I didn't know it yesterday.  I didn't even know it when I woke up this morning.  I started to know it when I pulled my clothes on this morning over my twenty extra pounds, which suddenly didn't feel like mine.  As I put on my snow pants that don't do up.  But I didn't know for sure until my second loop around the dog park.  And then it hit me.  Today is day one.  Today I feel ready.

I am ready to get up earlier.  I am ready to stop letting my life be less healthy because I give my energy to guilt and punishing thoughts.  I am ready to stop drinking two glasses of wine once my daughter is in bed as my stress relief.  I am even ready to stop drinking two cups of coffee in the morning which fuels the tightness in my chest and primes me to feel my stress extra.

I went to the dog park and thought about running into my brother's girlfriend and what we might say to each other if that happened.  Then I thought, 'day one' and I noticed how fresh the air felt.  I thought of what I will say to my aunt one day when we talk about my departure from my mom.  Then I thought, this is day one, I don't need to worry about that right now.  My thoughts turned back to the beautiful intensity of the winter sun and the clean lines the trees shadows cast on the snow.  Every time a negative thought came in, that mantra wiped it away.

So I did an extra loop at the park and went for groceries and each time my thoughts turn to things that don't make me feel good, I remind myself that I am allowed to start new today.  I am allowed to let go of those old thoughts.  I am allowed to live in the world that doesn't eventually convince me that I deserved to be hurt.  I am allowed to not eventually convince myself that everything my mom always said was true.  I am allowed to not feel at fault.  I can forgive myself for my part in the dysfunction of that relationship.  I don't need to keep punishing myself.  If I am going to keep doing that, I might as well just let my mom back in and give her her voice back.

Today is day one of truly taking a departure from my mom.  Sad and heavy, hopeful and light.  All of those things at once..