I participate in a support forum for people with family member's who have personality disorders. Tonight I saw a girl ask if she was becoming abusive because she was standing up to her mom. The answer seemed obvious to me, after reading what she is going through - absolutely not. But while posting a response, I realized that if I were to ever open up the door to my mom again, any role I would play in any fight we had going forward, I would view differently now. I have come to realize over the last year or so how grateful I am that I was able to fight for myself (despite so often wishing I could just let it all roll off) because it kept me from letting her convince me that I am not enough, that I am not worthy of love. Fighting was a survival mechanism.
But now that I got away from her, I can see that fighting was never going to end it. So now, if I go back, it's on me. I can't justify one more fight. I know better now. I wish I had known it earlier. But I know it now. Fighting can no longer be a survival mechanism. Fighting is what you do to survive an encounter, not a relationship for decades.
And now I have the answer to that question that I had asked my counsellor all those months ago. What was my role in the dysfunction? My role was defence and self preservation back then. It was all I knew and I had no idea how to untangle myself from that relationship so that I wouldn't have to fight. But now, if I were to engage in any more fighting, I would be responsible for any hurt I caused by defending myself. Because it is now my responsibility to stay away from a flame that I know will burn me, rather than keep going in for more and then feeling justified in what I need to do to protect myself.
Holy crap.
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