It Takes a Long Time

It takes a long time to get through this.  It has been awhile since writing here - it has been difficult to make sense of things and I think this is where I come when I finally start to feel some kind of peace.  Sometimes that means a long absence while I walk through it, lost.  It would be more beneficial to write than to wander lost, I'm sure!

To catch up on the basics, after repeated requests to have my dad respect our boundaries, 8 months into NC, I let them know (through my aunt) that I no longer want contact with either one of them.  No more cards or gifts on holidays and we don't want them going out to our cottage (a place that they were always welcome before).  It put me into the darkness for a bit.  Back into that sadness that is too painful to have anything beautiful about it.

And now, I feel officially like an orphan.  It hurts so much that this is the healthiest option.  The pain runs so deep and it feels like a secret.  It's not like my parents passed away, both within 8 months of one another and I can talk openly about my grief.  It is a dark family secret they don't want anyone to know.  I am used to those, but so tired of them and I want to be able to be open.  I want to be able to own my decision and not feel like it's my deep dark secret.  But if I were to be open now, the anxiety and guilt that would result from telling would be more than I can handle.  In my heart I know that it's her secret I would be telling.  I want to get to a place where I feel like I can own my truth over keeping her secrets.

Lately I have been thinking about Christmas time.  How scared I am already that I will run into my mom at a mall.  Today that thought triggered so much pain.  Not because of feeling scared at how painful it would be to see her and have her see my daughter (it would be heartbreaking and I dread that ultimately inevitable moment), but because I thought about how painful this coming Christmas will be for her.  My mind's eye saw her shopping for presents for people she no longer has in her life, and my heart shattered at how sad I know she is.  And I want to make it better but I can't.  And I want to have a mom but I can't.  And I want to understand why, but I can't.