Enter, Grieving

I had a counselling session today.  Two really.  Two of my best people helped me through some of it and then I had counselling.  Between the two, I feel lighter.  One of my friends as well as my counsellor said that I have entered the stages of grieving.  Months ago, I didn't understand why both of them were saying that I couldn't be grieving yet.  I still don't really, but I feel relieved to be there now and I know that they are right.  Emotionally I can feel the difference in what I was going through before and now even if I don't know why.  My counsellor told me it was good.  She looked relieved.  She said it's hard to go through it, but it's healthy.

She also pointed out again that guilt seems to drive a lot of my struggle.  I expressed worry about my mom taking her own life.  I told her I would feel responsible.  I felt like I needed to talk to her psychiatrist again because there were things that I wished I had said, and need to feel like I have done everything I can.  She asked me to work on receiving the advice I would give someone in my position.  I would tell them that they are not responsible for their mom.  That if she took her life, it would never be their fault.  That the estrangement itself wasn't their fault.

I can't help feeling responsibility for not being able to handle my mom's illness better and still be there for her.   It's a tough one.  Ivy is the key.  It's Ivy I need to focus on.  I would be in my mom's life if I didn't have Ivy.  I know that I couldn't be maintaining this without her to protect. If I didn't close that door, Ivy would have continued to be exposed to the dysfunction I wanted so badly to protect her from.  Every time I feel guilty, I need to try to feel proud of myself for having the strength to do this to create a more stable childhood for my own daughter than what I had.  When I was talking to my counsellor about my dad, she said that the longer that someone is exposed to domestic abuse, and the younger they are when it occurs, the less and less likely it becomes that they will ever be able to separate themselves from it.  She said it takes an unbelievable amount of strength to end a cycle.  I need to feel proud of myself that I am finding that strength.  And I need to understand that that is why this is so hard.  If it was easy, there would be less abusive cycles perpetuating out there.