It's been a week since I let my mom know that I would not be in touch. I said 'for now' but I know it is for longer than that implies. We may never be in each others lives again. That is a very tough reality.
Immediately upon blocking contact, I felt peace.. relief.. safety.. I can check my emails at the office without bracing myself. I don't tense up when my phone rings or a text comes in. I don't dread hearing what her voicemail will say. I don't ride the wave of her pride and disappointment, her love and resentment, her good intentions and her inability to see when she is being spiteful and hurting me and my family. I have felt my anxiety begin to calm. Things that used to stress me, suddenly I can let go of more easily. Things that had nothing to do with her in the first place. That has been the most surprising thing that has happened. I had no idea how many areas of my life that toxic relationship was affecting. I feel like a more gentle person. I have more patience. Things that used to take up my energy now roll off my back more easily. It is amazing to me. I feel a freedom I haven't felt in years. At this moment, her scrutiny doesn't affect me anywhere near as much as it has for years. Over time, as I heal, I hope these improvements to my own state of mind continue to improve.
The other thing that I didn't foresee was the amount of support I had in my decision. I have a small group of amazing friends (including my husband) who would probably throw an intervention for me if I were to waffle in my decision to keep her out of my life at this point. Thank goodness for them because it seems almost crazy to actually cut ties with your own mother and for years I have felt trapped because I didn't see it as an option. I thought the guilt of doing that would do as much harm as the relationship itself does. I am amazed at the sense of relief I feel.
And that brings me to the sleepless nights. As much as I feel relieved, I also do struggle with the guilt. My husband and I took our daughter to the Santa Clause parade yesterday and the whole time, I had a heavy heart for her. Those things meant the world to her. Last year it was her there with my daughter and I. I knew she would be at home feeling heartbroken that she wasn't at the parade seeing her granddaughters face light up with excitement.
I don't sleep through the night most nights. What I am struggling with is two things mainly. Knowing that my aunt (who has been a big part of my life always up until the last couple of years) likely feels that I have betrayed my mom in an unforgivable way and knowing that my mom is likely very very unhappy. I think I am beginning to accept my mom's unhappiness, but it is still hard. She has been unhappy my whole life. I always wanted to make it better and the hard part is accepting that no matter what I do, I never will. There is a part of me (like at the parade last night) that still feels like it is my job to give her at least happy moments amid the depression. It's hard to accept that I will no longer bring her any joy, and in fact, am doing quite the opposite in choosing to put my own health before her.
I know that there is a day in the not so distant future where I will need to tell her that 'for now' is a much longer timeframe than she likely is thinking it is. That looms over me a bit, but for now I so badly need a break from the stress that relationship brings into my life that I am just allowing myself to be home-free. I keep picturing myself on my childhood next door neighbour's front step, which was where we ran to when we wanted a minute out of the game when playing tag. It feels so healthy to not be in contact with her, I just need to preserve this feeling a little longer..
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