I finally talked to my aunt. It went better than I could have expected and she gave me the gift of some peace. Acceptance of where we are at. I don't know if that will last, it's hard for me to stay there, I suspect she will slip back into thinking that we should be allowing my mom access to our daughter. But now the conversation exists.
I opened up to her. A lot. I was never allowed to talk about what went on in our house. To tell someone who was in our life so much and had no idea of some of the stuff that was happening felt good. It felt healthy. It felt like letting light come into dark places.
It also stirred up some stuff in me. I spoke of memories that I don't like to revisit. My aunt talked about some of the things my mom has said. Right after that meeting with my aunt and over the days that followed, I felt a lot of relief but it feels like some of the things I talked about and the things I learned are closing in on me. She asks my aunt to drive by our house with her. That means she is definitely driving by on her own. She said she is googling 'grandparent rights'. I don't know what she is going to do to ramp things up, but I feel like something is coming. She also told me about my mom's versions of some things. One of the things that bothered me most was that she tells my aunt that while I say I didn't want to be in dance class for 8 years, that I was pushed too hard and wanted out, the truth is that it was a different story when I won trophies. Then I was all smiles. My aunt conveyed a smugness when she said it that I can only guess is conveying the spirit behind my mom's words when she speaks of it. It makes me angry. She wouldn't speak to me when I didn't place high enough. I was a disappointment and a letdown then. Of course I smiled when I did anything that got her approval. And that aside, of course I smiled if I won a competition. Feeling pushed, feeling pressured to win, pressured to be the best, feeling intimidated by my teacher, not liking dance, etc. - none of that should mean that I shouldn't be allowed to feel good about doing well when I did well. In the years that I had lost love for it, there were not many trophies. I was allowed a smile when there was one.
It's hard knowing how much she is obsessing. She is applying a lot of pressure to my dad to contact me and ask to let her visit. She has pressured my aunt as well. She confirmed that my mom asked for the email I sent. That she handed her her iPad and sent my aunt on a mission at xmas to get photos and videos of Ivy for her. This I knew, but still hearing it adds some weight to it. My aunt says that my mom keeps saying to her and my dad that they must know more that they are not telling her.
My aunt also spoke of a time my mom was committed to the psych ward, before my brother and I were around. My mom has referenced this, quite a lot in recent years. She doesn't say anything about it other than that she tried to kill herself and spent a month there. My aunt said that the doctors had thought she may be schizophrenic. While I don't think that she is (though I do think she has a personality disorder), it gives me a bit of relief to hear that that long ago, a professional has seen issues that seem to be invisible to so many people. Things that she keeps in check around most people.
All of it feels so heavy again. I felt such relief a few days after talking to my aunt. An intense, beautiful relief. It took me that long to have the relief truly set in and then it was gone so quickly. That talk with my aunt has been something that I have been feeling the need to do for so long, it was always this future conversation that would hang over my head. I so needed it to be over, and now it is and I'm still struggling so much.
Maybe more relief will come. I really hope it will. Maybe I am just having a hard day. It was a challenging day with my daughter. My husband is gone on another long trip after only being home briefly after a long trip. I feel a bit overwhelmed. I hope that tomorrow will be better..
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