One Step Closer

The conversation my husband had with my dad, threatening to involve the police did not work.  My dad was back at my door within a week and a half.  I asked him to stop coming again, he said no.  He said they wanted to give us an anniversary card.  My mom has made no bones about upsetting me and ruining many special days in my life.  That has been acceptable to her.  But not giving a card is somehow across the line.

It went the same as always.  I told him that I had just had a massage, was having a good day, and now he put me into a tailspin.  I had thought I would get a break from the visits and there he was.

I didn't sleep that night.  In the morning, facing the task of painting the exterior of our house, going out for dinner for our anniversary and then hosting our daughter's birthday party the following day, all without sleep made me feel angry, panicked and trapped.  I wasn't okay.

I was crying and couldn't stop.  I told my husband I needed to leave the house so that our daughter wouldn't see me.  I drove and cried and yelled and cried some more.  I went and got a coffee.  I sat in my car and wrote.  I felt myself shift back to feeling okay again.  I realized again that writing was a big part of how I made it.  Leaving was a big part.  I sat with my coffee and climbed back into my early adulthood, when I could leave and let it all go.  Into fields, into water, into the sky, wherever.   I realized that it wasn't easy back then, it hurt just as much.  I just was able to deal with it.  I had the space.

Since then, I have been feeling a need to find some kind of peace before we leave.  I am beginning to find more peace with moving.  I am grasping less at wanting my dad to understand or show me any sincere love.  I still struggle about my mom, I seem to go back and forth between sad and angry.  I know I shouldn't be angry, I know that she can't help it.  But I am angry.  Why can't she give in to the help she is getting and stop pretending things are one way when they are another.

The one person that I can't seem to reconcile is my aunt.  I have been feeling so upset about my dad saying that we are 'snubbing' them, when we would love nothing more than to have them in our lives, without them fighting mom's battle.  Upset that my aunt asked if it's because my mom is 'negative' when I have shared enough with her to know that she has abused me for decades, that she has manipulated me with guilt and shame, that she has isolated me away from her, etc.  I was upset that she told me that she just lets it roll off, and wanted to know why I couldn't do the same.  I needed to tell her that being obedient isn't the same as letting it roll off.  And that conversation would go on and on in my head.  How unfair this was.  How if she could let it roll off, she would be in our lives, letting the consequences roll off.

So I called.  I said what I needed to say.  She said what I needed to hear.  That she loves me.  That she misses us.  That she isn't disappointed in me at all.  It was sad because she confirmed that she can't be in our lives, they would know and it would be too hard.  But she accepts that we are doing what we have to.  She said that if she were in my position, as hard as it would be, she would probably do the same.  She said I deserve a happy life.  She told me I can call her again if I need to talk.  I told her that we would not share our address with my parents if we move and she understood.  I have been so worried that she thinks I am a monster for this.  Having her blessing to move feels so good.

I miss her so much.

Surprise Yourself

Music is a big part of what is carrying me through this.  Today it was Surprise Yourself by Jack Garratt.  On my way to work it came on and it released so much tension from my body, let me breath, and then out of nowhere, I was crying.  I thought about our trip to Nelson in two weeks.  We are just going for a holiday but when we come back, we may come home with a decision in mind. We may come back to tidy up our life here and leave.  It hit me when the song came on and I felt the three of us leaving.  I felt so relieved and heartbroken all at once.

Love her if you only knew 
the times that train has fooled me too
And tears me from a place I know
It helps me to surprise myself
You know you can surprise yourself
So let go and surprise yourself

                          - Jack Garratt

Holy Crap

I participate in a support forum for people with family member's who have personality disorders.  Tonight I saw a girl ask if she was becoming abusive because she was standing up to her mom.  The answer seemed obvious to me, after reading what she is going through - absolutely not.  But while posting a response, I realized that if I were to ever open up the door to my mom again, any role I would play in any fight we had going forward, I would view differently now.  I have come to realize over the last year or so how grateful I am that I was able to fight for myself (despite so often wishing I could just let it all roll off) because it kept me from letting her convince me that I am not enough, that I am not worthy of love.  Fighting was a survival mechanism.

But now that I got away from her, I can see that fighting was never going to end it.  So now, if I go back, it's on me.  I can't justify one more fight.  I know better now.  I wish I had known it earlier.  But I know it now.   Fighting can no longer be a survival mechanism.  Fighting is what you do to survive an encounter, not a relationship for decades.

And now I have the answer to that question that I had asked my counsellor all those months ago.  What was my role in the dysfunction?  My role was defence and self preservation back then.  It was all I knew and I had no idea how to untangle myself from that relationship so that I wouldn't have to fight.  But now, if I were to engage in any more fighting, I would be responsible for any hurt I caused by defending myself.  Because it is now my responsibility to stay away from a flame that I know will burn me, rather than keep going in for more and then feeling justified in what I need to do to protect myself.

Holy crap.

Sunshine and Falling Leaves

I slept well last night.  I woke up and cleaned the kitchen.  And it was easy.  It has been feeling nearly impossible to do it every day. I have been using all the energy I have to take care of my daughter, work and cope with the stress of my family situation.  Today, I found energy for more.  

As I drove to an appointment, I listened to a song about leaving. I felt happy and sad all at once.  I felt cathartic and realized how far away from cathartic I have felt for so long.  I don't expect the pain to be gone, but I am grateful to feel it mellow.

I felt comfortable like I had just had a hot bath or a massage.  The morning sunlight on the changing leaves made everything so vibrant.

I showed a house that felt like the west coast to me.  I knew suddenly that we could find a home we love out there.  I felt closer to ready.

I thought about what makes me happy.

My husbands company, my daughter's laugh, sunshine in the mornings, good coffee, good music, fall, rain, cloudy days, fireplaces, space around me, the smell of cut vegetables, raw garlic, cooking, writing, trees, bon fires, friends, work that makes me happy, mild winter days, hoar frost, snow falling softly, art, the sky, a good book, laughter.

Can I find all of that out there?  I think...  absolutely.

And The Head and The Heart sings, "Been talking about the way things change.  And my family lives in a different state.  And if you don't know what to make of this, then we will not relate".

Home For a Rest

3 days ago my husband called my dad.  He told him that it stops here.  That if he needs to communicate anything with us, he can call my husband.  No more showing up.  He told him that if he continues to show up, despite all of our communication about how upsetting it is and all of our requests that he stop, we will involve the police.  

It caused me some real anxiety for a few hours.  I kept having to push away this sick feeling, the same awful feeling I get every time we have to re-enforce our boundaries.  Where my stomach feels weird and my heart beats too fast.  And then I said to my husband, "that was the right call to make, right?" and he said it was absolutely the right call to make and it was long overdue.  I knew in my heart he was right.  I began to feel a bit lighter.  By bedtime, felt like I could breath easier.  The next day, I felt lighter still.  I fell playing with my daughter and injured my leg and still felt better.  I felt relieved that my problem that day was a hurt leg, not my parents coming at me.  Yesterday, I began to feel a bit free, like I did right after I shut down communication with my mom.  I got my first solid night of sleep in weeks.  

I know the hard parts aren't over, but I am just so grateful for a break.  I had been feeling less and less able to cope with it.  I feel so unbelievably relieved to know that my dad will not show up any time soon.  I am grateful to feel like I can relax in my own home.  

As much as I doubt our decision to move and feel uneasy about giving up our life here, this feeling let's me know that it will be worth it.  I want a life where they can't get to me.  I want a peaceful life.  

What I Really Believe

This morning I had this thought about how often I question if I am doing the right thing.  I thought, what if my whole life was riding on selecting the correct answer from the following options, how would I answer?

a) the things that have led me to become estranged (and stay estranged) from my family are valid concerns to want to protect my daughter from  

or

b)  I shouldn't be doing this to protect my daughter (and my husband and I) from the dysfunction of my family of origin - the reasons for it just are not enough to warrant this result.

What would I choose.  If everything was riding on it?  

I realized this morning that I would choose 'a'.  If I had to risk everything on the belief that I was doing the right thing, I would.  

I can't truly believe that I am supposed to allow it to continue and risk passing all of that anger and dysfunction on to the next generation.  I can't risk exposing my daughter to the fights, the manipulations, the lies, the hurt, the anger, etc.  I can't risk putting myself in a position that I have historically never been able to successfully keep from getting caught up in all of the anger and dysfunction.  I am her mother.  I am her protector.  I owe her the best I can do.  And as excruciating as this is, this is the only way to guarantee she won't see my mom in her low places telling her she would be better off without her, she won't be shamed for always loving someone else more, she won't feel responsible for whether my mom lives or dies, she won't feel guilty for letting my mom down when she doesn't do what my mom wanted.  She won't do what my mom wants out of fear of letting her down, out of fear of being responsible for her unhappiness.  She won't have people taken away from her when my mom's disordered behaviours cause people to take their distance from her time and time again.  She won't have to realize that she is just not as important as my mom to her grandpa and great aunt.  She will never feel the heartbreak of learning that she has disappointed her grandma.  She will never feel the shame of being told that she embarrassed her grandma.  She won't feel the effects of my mom doing all of the above to me and leaving me in a weakened position to parent from.

She will get to grow up free to be exactly who she is, without worrying that she will let her grandma down.  She will grow up without the weight of adult issues.  She will grow up in a household where holidays do not bring nasty phone calls, cards, emails or otherwise that take the wind out of her own mom's sails.  She will grow up without expectations of who she should be.  She will be loved if she is different.  The love she receives won't have a private dark side.

If my life was riding on it, I would bet my life that I am not supposed to expose her to a relationship that I know will continue to cause damage in our lives, will continue to take my best away so I have less to give her and will continue to perpetuate emotional manipulation of us and those around us.    There has been so much pressure on me to accept these things in my mom and I will not ever put pressure on her to be dutiful to a love that hurts so much.

Again

My dad came back again today.  My mom wants us to all sit down and talk this out.  I told him once again that the only way I will open the door to communication is if I hear from her psychiatrist that she believes she is showing enough progress to make a healthy relationship more possible.  I told him that I don't have it in me to be hurt by my family any more.  He once again turned it all on me, that I am the one hurting them.  That this is my fault.  I said he has just taken over for her, and that he is turning into her.  He threatened in a terse voice, "You better watch what you say".  I told him again that he's not welcome here and to stop coming.  I told him that where I stand with the family is clear.  That I feel hurt and abandoned by them.  I said the people who care about me would never do this to me and they are who my family is.  I said that he and my aunt say that they just let it roll off, but they don't.  They obey her.  They give in and that is not the same as letting things roll off.  If they could let it all roll off, they would be in our lives.  He said, well, that's just how things go.  I said, that's just how things go with mom.

I so badly need this to stop.  I told him I haven't slept well since the last time he came and he just laughed and said I'm not the only one not sleeping.  I said that she created this for herself and he scoffed at it and said I did.