I'm Ready

I have been ruminating too much.  It keeps me up at night and it is not productive.  Yesterday I had lunch with a friend and talked, let it out of my head and into the air and felt such a difference.

I am trying to look at when it is the hardest and why.  When I am alone, it is the hardest.  When my husband is home, it feels easier.  When I talk about it, I get some relief.  I am realizing I need a structured plan in place.  I can't let days and weeks go by without letting it out.

I think I avoid writing when things feel the worst.  I don't know why.  I find it easier to write when I have moments I can find some beauty in.  Writing from the hardest places seems scary.  Talking from those places is easier.  So, I need to talk more.  I need to try to write even when I don't think I can find beauty in what I have to say.  I need to find a good therapist who can see me through the next couple of years.  It is not going to be easy.  I never thought I could do it.  I can't say it is easier than I thought it would be.

I keep comparing how I feel to an emotional prison.  When my mom was in my life, I often felt trapped.  It felt like I couldn't live my life in peace with her in it and I knew that the weight, the pain and the guilt of cutting her out of my life could possibly sink me.  It left me feeling like I had nowhere to go.  Over my daughters first 3 years, I began to see that I had yet another anchor that was working a hook into me.  I was allowing dysfunction into my household and it was affecting my daughter and if I were to allow myself to be in denial about that, I would be repeating the cycle and I know I can't live with that.

So now I sit, on the other side of the prison wall, still trapped and I know that it will be up to me if I stay there.  I don't expect to feel free now, but I need to get there.  I need to work so hard to get through this.  To deal with the grief and the guilt and free myself somehow.  I know better than to think that you can sacrifice more than you can afford without your child paying a price.  If I can't move through this, despite my best intentions, my daughter still loses.  I want her to have a childhood free of adult issues.  I want her to have a mother she doesn't feel responsible for.  A mother she knows is happy and strong.

These days, it doesn't feel like I am moving through it.  It feels like I am staying in the same spot and I need to change that.  I am ready to deal with it. Head on.  And I need help.

So, today I will start looking for that help.  The counsellor I have now is covered by the province but is also limited to 8 sessions.  Session #2 is tomorrow.  I have to find someone who can see me through this longer term.  Someone amazing.